How To Speak "Cassandrese"

OK, so you find yourself on the same page as Ms. Cassandra.You've figured out that most people are total wastes of skin and that Life itself is one great big fat unmitigated waste of time. Still, you do have to fill those thousands of pointless hours trudging through this vale of tears with something, so, why not practice sharpening your flair for a good comeback?? Below we have collected a nice bunch of prime Cassandra-isms which are not from the show but rather, collected from all over the Internet {and we're sure you can find a lot more out there.} Practice these while staring gloomily out a rainy window, pondering the hopelessness of daily existance and praying for a quick and painless end.

{Note: Should you require the antidote to this mental state immediately consume large quantities of raw cookie dough while watching a Herc rerun marathon with your favorite stalker. Satisfaction guaranteed.}


And Now....How To Speak "Cassandrese".........


1. And your crybaby...... "whiny-assed" opinion would be.....????

2. Do I look like a frigging People person!!?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing and have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. I won't your attend your funeral, but I will send a nice letter saying I approve of it.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!!!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes
on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Just wondering......did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

13. I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.

14. Allow me to introduce myselves.

15. Whatever kind of look you were going for.... uh, you missed.

16. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after

17. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

18. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

19. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

20. Today is the last day of your life, so far.

21. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

22. Did I mention the excruciating kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you ever touch me again?

23. It ain't the size, it''s.... no, it's the size.

24. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

27. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

28. Can I trade this job for what's behind Door Number One?

29. I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

30. Too many freaks......not enough circuses.

31. Macho Law prohibits you from admitting you're wrong.

32. Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?

33. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And.... which dwarf are you?

36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37. You're just meandering to a different drummer, arent'ya?

38. I majored in Liberal Arts. Er.....will that be for here or to go?

39. Sarcasm..... just one more service we offer.

40. I'm not your type...ya know.....inflatable?

41.I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

And yet more Cassie style comebacks for your viewing pleasure......


HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually, I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out!!

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen one.

HE :Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you??

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do Not Enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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