Pain!!! Panic!!!!!.....get on over here..... we have to have a Meeting!!!....

Pain..........Again?!!!? Oh please, Boss, my face just grew back!!!'

Hades...............Mighta thought of that before ya screwed up, Pal.....ratings are down- advertising's off....I'm a laughing stock here....and Someone needs to take the heat......

Panic .... But......But Hades, we're doin' the best we can.......

Hades...........you are, huh????.....then tell me this.........Whose bright idea was it to book Priapus and Diana of Epheseus on the same show??.....

Pain...........Well....we.......

Hades..........Hot news flash, Genious.....you don't sit a demi-god with the world's biggest schlong next to a goddess with 200 boobs......

Panic ...............Actually, we thought they were kinda good together......

Pain...........Yeah...they made a nice couple.......

Hades....You were'nt sitting next to them. He almost put my *&^%%&* Eye out......Oy!!! OK, next..... which one of you speed bumps booked Niobe?.......... What were you thinking????Who the hell wants to watch a rock cry for two hours??? Was that depressing enough or what??

Pain..... well Boss, I-

Hades............And Melampus!!! a guy who comes on and talks to his pet termites for 20 minutes......Termites???!!!Termites and a crying rock...beautiful. A real laugh-a-minute-ratings booster!!!! I can't take much more of this, you morons...........my legendary patience..... is running on Empty!!!

Panic{cringing}So...what are ya sayin', Boss???

Hades.......Let me nutshell it for you.........you come up with a completely different format that puts ratings through the roof and makes me a household name and Top God on everyone's Best Loved Deity List ...........OR.........you stand there doing nothing like you usually do and I tap your spinal fluid for salad dressing. Capiche????

Panic.......clear as a bell!!!!! uh...yeah...sure....well ...funny you should mention it 'cause we Were thinkin' of maybe putting on a new reality show twist ........about.......uh...yeah....

Hades....OK??.......so...???

Panic.....well...we call it "Hellenic Survivor??".... We put a dozen mortals on plague ridden Cyclopes Island with no food and no water and tell Nemesis they're planning to start their own religion ??

Hades.........Hmmm.......No good.The insurance would kill us.

Panic..........Oh I Know!! I Know!!!...how about......"The Aphrodite WebClam!!!" we sneak a secret camera inside the Goddess of Love's shell without her knowing and just film everything she does in there 24 hours a day!!....

Hades.......and when Hephaestus finds out who snuck in the cameras he will be aiming very large thunderbolts at very small orifices...Any other bright ideas that don't involve internal combustion??

Pain...........OK.....OK ...........how about....."Joe Divinity"......we get an "average Joe" type and gussy him up and tell his dates he's a demigod king living in a solid gold palace in a magical kingdom but in reality he's a diseased galley slave from Crete and every week we get to watch beautiful horrible snotty women make fools of themselves on National Tartarus Vision???

Hades........Tempting.....but Fox did it already.

Pain..........OK..OK......how about............ "Expose That Baby!!!!!" We take newborn babies with something really wrong with them and leave them in dangerous situations and have contestants guess which ones go first?!!?

Hades.........NBC did it already.....

Pain....Right!!!well....how about ....."The Hottest Person In Ancient Greece???" We get that dude Dadlalous to build another giant hollow wooden cow and contestants climb in and, ya know, with volunteers from the audience and they have to guess which one was who???

Hades...........ABC is doing that next Week.......


Pain{rubbing his forehead}
....Sir...if you don't mind us saying ....maybe the whole myth deal was fraught with controversy.....maybe what you need is a more ....updated ...people pleasin' format.

Panic.....Yeah....ya need to be more like....Pro Active and Jiggy.

Hades....Who the F&^%*! are they????

Pain....He means, Sir, that this is a Disney site, and it only makes sense to take advantage of.......well....yer connections........

Panic......yeah....we were thinkin'....how about devoting a few shows to interviewing whole casts of other Disney movies????....you could even start with our own movie-

Hades......You mention the "H" word I'll scoop you out and use you for a vase!

Panic... Well......OK, understood...but we've taken the liberty of contacting a few of the other stars, Sir.....

Hade...Already???....That was fast.....OK .....ya got my attention........So?? Bottom line it for me.....

Pain....well....... admittedly so far, not much luck- but we'll keep trying.

Hades....Whaddaya mean "not much luck??" who Would'nt wanna be on my show?!!??

Panic.....Alice, Cinderella and Snow White are afraid of the dark. Pinocchio won't come unless you put yer hair out.

Hades...Huh??

Panic.....He's very flammable. And he said that you kept sneezing in his direction on purpose at the last board meeting.

Hades...... That's a LIE!!!

Pain.....Esmeralda and Pocahontus think yer gross. Quasimodo can't stand looking at you.

Hades.....*He's* gotta nerve!!!

Pain......Peter Pan has'nt forgiven you for those cracks you made about him and the Lost Boys.

Hades......Hey- if ya can't take the heat- fly outta the kitchen!!!

Pain....The Aladdin cast is unavailable....working on that musical deal in the New World........in some city state called ....."Kalifornia."......They probably want too much money anyway.

Hades....Belle's gang??

Pain........ Sent a fax. "Be Our Guest..... Go to hell"

Hades.....Ariel?

Panic....another fax....."Does'nt Wanna Be Part Of Your World." She did'nt like it when you referred to mermaids as "the other white meat."

Hades......I can't Believe this!!!!there's got to be SOME cast in Disney's Pantheon that wants to be on the show!!!

Panic......we were thinking maybe you might try..............just appealing to the villains, Sir.......they can never get a enough appreciation.....and it would seriously fit in nicely with your theme here.....

Hades..... Villains, huh??? you mean like have a special "Villains" week, dedicated to the real heros?? the ones that actually keep the stories goin'??? Hmmm ..............Not bad...not bad at all...who do ya got?? Ursula??? The Wicked Queen?? Malificent??? Please tell me you can book Maleficent!!!{drool}

Panic.......Um....All three of them are outta town this month.......bu, hey, looks like Captain Hook's available!!!

Hades{disappointed}Hook?? A pirate? a lousy, incompetant, mortal pirate???

Pain{encouragingly}.....A pirate who murders children!!!!

Hades....well.......that part's OK.....but...ya know...he never really snuff's 'em, does he???

Panic.....Not for lack of trying, Sir!!! he does his darndest!!!!......in fact if ya think about it you and him have a lot in common!!

Hades....Huh??

Panic....Well, ya both wanna to take over a kingdom, and ya can't cause you both have to deal with obnoxious whitebread wonderboys who fly around in skirts and are too good too be true and seriously get on your nerves but somehow always manage to beat ya at every bend!!

Hades.....Probably because we're both surrounded by INCOMPETANT minions!! Damn!!! That Smee is an idiot!!! Id' a sent him to the Happy Hunting Ground on Day One!!! No good!!I want someone a li'l more worthy of my time......

Pain{consulting his list.....} Cruella De Ville??? she's pretty famous....lots of sequels... tons of merchandise........how about doing a special salute to her?? we could call it......."Hellfire and Dalmatians!!!!!!"

Hades.........Cruella de Ville??....hmmmm.... I don't know....... she's what I call a perfectly good waste of evil. She's mean...... sneaky, manipulative, cruel ....utterly without a shred of moral fiber........ she's got the black heart, the self indulgence and the vanity that says ....."Outta my way babe, "Planet Me" has arrived!!!.....ya know.....you can't teach that kind of evil!!! but what's it all for?? a dog fur coat?? one lousy black and white dog fur coat?? not even chinchilla??? I mean... don't get me wrong- I don't have problem with puppy skinning....{hey- it was my major.}....but to waste all that time and all that negative energy , to put people in all that danger and cause all that misery and not even get a kingdom out of it.....???!!??

Pain...You know, Hades, .....you might consider the Groove gang..........

Hades........the Groove gang....the Groove gang.?????.....Yes...Hmmm ............you might have something there....{for once}..hmmm......The Emperor's New Groove...you gotta point.......*that's* probably the cast with which we have the most in common....stylized animation......smart ass humour........box office poison.........*And* they're pagans!!...Badda Bing!!!!that's always a plus!!!...we could see eye to eye on a lotta things!!!!.....yes...see if you could book the Groove gang- bring 'em on over.....ya know, I like that Kuzko kid- he's a rotten li'l SOB....there's lots of raw material to work with there...and ya gotta love Yzma.....{although what's the deal with her and Kronk?? huh??!!? That's something I don't need to watch!!}

Panic.........OK, Boss, can do ......but it might take a while to assemble a whole cast..........in the mean time....now that I think of it.....{consulting the Belle fax}.....we might be able to get Gaston .....it says here he's available, ya know.....you might have a lot to talk about......

Hades.....Gaston???.......Hmmmm....well..small potatoes....but, it's a start. OK, Boyos, send out the invite. Do whatever ya gotta do to book this guy, what's he....... French??? make with the fancy talk, send him champagne, flowers, cheese, a bucket of snails, anything it takes.......HA!!...yes...Book 'im...and see to the Groove Gang guys......and we'll see if we can't get those ratings back!! Hotcha Cha!!!!


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