The Hades Show Interview #4..... Guest Star Gaston

By Cicilia, edited by Tara

{artwork under construction}

 

 

 


........................... BADDA BING! Badda BOOM!!! and WELCOME!!!! to the HADES SHOW! Starring Me!!! produced by Me!!!!! directed by ME!!!!! ......uh......yadda yadda, yadda..... OK, you know the deal by now.......We got a terrific show coming, folks, but first.... I just wanna mention that we got some really great people in the audience tonight......some of our Very Special Eternally Damned......Tantalus is out there.........Hey Tantalus!!!..... GOT Water!!???....Say Hi to the nice audience, Babe, that's right, don't be shy....hey, it's not that bad.........don't look so "down!!!"...........Chin up, Buddy!!!HA!! get it?? Chin up!!??? get it???................. and There's the original "Rock-and-Roller ," Sisyphus!!..."Stand up, Sissy, take a bow- whoa -watch out there.......DARN!!! There it goes...... All the way down to the bottom!!!....sorry about that, Pal...... hey ...well, whatta ya gonna do, it's a wages-of- sin-kinda-thing....hey, at least it's good excercise.....but I tellya what, all this evil damnation stuff makes me think of villains....which is perfect 'cause ...it’s “Disney VILLAIN'S WEEK” here on the Hades Show... and that means famously sociopathic friends of mine will be dropping by, chatting, schmoozing and dishing on their latest evil endeavours! Sounds, well, EVIL, doesn’t it? HA!! okay then!..... Today's villain could give lessons to Narcissus about vanity, virility and vacancy!!! He's mortal.... a sexist, abusive, homocidal maniac with serious control issues, but a hell of a nice guy......and he's come all the way here from starring in one of the all-time great modern Disney classics, Beauty and the Beast..... so... "Be Our Guest" and give whatever you got up for .....GAS-TON!!!!!!!

(Gaston walks out, crowd cheers wildly. Shakes hands with Hades and sits down)

Hades......Gaston, Babe! Haven’t seen you in ages... { snaps fingers} Still looking Mar!-Ve!-Lous!!!

Gaston........Greetings, Hades....yes.......well, I DO get a lot of exercise...... hunting, riding....collecting antlers, decorating the tavern, keeping those biceps pumped....... Can’t let old age get a toe-hold on me!!! It's not easy making sure every last part of my body is covered with hair!

Hades......Way too much information, Babe, but I'll let that one go.......Anyway...glad you could make it here tonight.

Gaston...... Thanks for inviting me, Hades. Thanks for the bucket of snails!!

Hades....Hey... no problem. Only the best for My guests.

Gaston.....Actually... I was sorta surprised to hear from you.You know....to be honest ......I didn’t know you’d found work after Hercules. Did'nt that sort of ......bomb???

Hades{Hair flaring up slightly, fangs glitter}.....yes....... it did, thank you very much...... and thanks for reminding all the nice folks at home about it....well....that's the way the pita crumbles, Babe......... we all can't make 300 zillion domestically .... now Can we?!!!?!!

Gaston..........(chuckles) Of course not. No one steals the box office like Gaston!!!

Hades...........but...... hey!! I can be big about it.........'.cause that's just the kinda god I am. I 'm a Disney hotshot And the Lord of the Damned, {which is, almost kinda the same thing, if ya think about it} We did the series, I had some computer game voiceovers, got a few gigs at the HOM and when I'm not relaxing at home reading scripts I'm doing the God of Death thing.....processing souls...... dispensing justice. People just don't torture Themselves, ya know. And Hey!! mortals are Always coming up with the cures, so in my game ya gotta always stay ahead with new ways to keep them on the Wrong Side of the Grass....... You hear of the West Nile Virus?? That was mine!!!

Gaston...........Very nice!!!

Hades.............Thankyou. I like to keep busy. And hey- I know the series was'nt the biggest hit in the world, spent Way too much time dealing with Jerkules and Co. but..... it paid the bills, kept my name out there. Work is work, know what I mean??? At least they didn’t have some complete MORON playing me on Broadway!!!! (laughs evilly )

Gaston....... (momentarily embarassed...shifts in seat uncomfortably.) Oh..... yeah.....

Hades.............. So...anyway...Gaston......... Gassie.....{ may I call you "Gassie?" sorta fits} Say....you look kinda familiar now that I think about it...you got any relatives in the Colonies??? You any relation to Brom Bones??

Gaston......Huh??

Hades......Brom Bones??? from Sleepy Hollow??? Big brawny conceited oversexed idiot who lives in a small country village spending all his time intimidating the townsfolk, showing off and stalking women??

Gaston.......Excuse me??

Hades.........Ah nevah mind......hmmm.........You guys never got the TV deal right? Am I correct, Sir? You did those straight-to-video things?

Gaston......... Well…they did do a few of those but…I wasn’t in them.

Hades......... Hey! Their loss, know what I mean, Babe.??? But..... I tell ya what......why don’t you tell the folks sitting here "your" whole story now, just in case any of them were living in caves for, oh, the past decade or so. {WAIT!!! What am I saying? They Have been living in caves for the past decade!!} They’re clueless Babe, so dish already!!!!!

Gaston...... Well…..... I was the best hunter in my vaguely 18th century French village!!! Best fighter, best drinker, best archer, best stomping-all-arounder!!!!!! .....and it was time to find me a wife!!! See, I wanted to get married.

Hades......... It’s overrated, Pal. My "Hell-ay" divorce lawer friends make Croesus look poor!!! Hey!! why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, huh!!??! that's what Zeus says, anyhoo....and He Should Know!!! HA!!!!!

Gaston… Well....yeah..I know.....but it was'nt easy getting any action any other way.......

Hades.........YOU could'nt get laid in 18th century France??!!!!? LOOOOOOO---ZER!!!!!

Gaston..... No!! no!! that's not it!!!! I had my pick of the litter!!!! but I wanted to marry the most beautiful girl in town! I can’t have just anyone on my arm!........And Belle was perfect!!!....a Nice Girl from a Good Family......gorgeous, refined, healthy, charming, devoted, loving......

Hades.....and a liberated feminist book worm!!! Something went Way wrong with that plan, huh, Pal???

Gaston.......... (very angry at the memory) She said no, and NO ONE says “no” to Gaston!!!! She was going to be my wife!!!

Hades............ But then that seven-foot drooling carpet comes along, steals her heart and makes a complete fool out of you in front of the entire town!!

Gaston............That's right!!! So the town idiot {Le Fou} and I cooked up a plot to kidnap her father, institutionalize him in an insane asylum and blackmail her into matrimony!!!

Hades....{to audience}...And they say all the good ones are taken!!! How about this guy, huh, folks???........... can he sweep a gal off her feet or what???

Gaston.....{ knashing his teeth at the memory} Yeah......but it did'nt exactly work out!! Her sicko love for that....that .......overgrown bale of fur wound up overriding my scheme....and I was forced to lead a torch light procession lynch mob to the castle to wipe that miserable creature out once and for all!!

Hades.........{nodding sympathetically}..You Could use a little anger management, Friend.......but...I see your point. I've led many a torchlight procession myself. They generally don't work out well, though.

Gaston......... well .......we were doing great until we discovered the chateau was enchanted and all the furniture was animated, sentient and homocidal.

Hades....Don't ya hate it when that happens??!!??

Gaston.....We did'nt have a chance....until I cornered the freak in the upstairs West Wing......

Hades.........and after a short violent combat You take a one-way bungee jump off the chateaux roof and it's "Clean up in Aisle 7"....End of Story!!!

Gaston (livid) EXACTLY!!!!! The nerve of that woman!!! Dumping ME!!!! No one, absolutely NO ONE says “NO” to Gaston!!!

Hades........ Uh yeah, right. ..........Covered that already, Babe. ...I feel your pain.........But, ya know, you do need to move on........So anyway .....

Gaston.............. (interrupts) It’s those damn books she was always reading!!! All words, no pictures!!! They filled her with weird “ideas” and made her think she was too Good for me!! But you have to understand- NO ONE says NO to Gaston.....no one!!!...BUT I..... have a plan!!!A plan to win her back!!!!

Hades......Yeah.....no offense but I'd say...... that ship has sailed, Babe.

Gaston......It's a good plan- no!!!....... its a great plan ....and it will Work!!

Hades.....Yo....Mr. Fatal Attraction...... ya wanna give it a rest?!!?

Gaston...How can I rest it when I can't stop Thinking about Her??

Hades: (slaps face) Oyyy vey!!!You are thicker than a whale omelet!!! You know something pal, next time you go shopping buy yourself a new personality. Not one of those discount ones; a good one with an extended warrenty! Geez! Forget trying to pick your brain, I don’t have tweezers that small!!!

Gaston....You don't understand, Hades, she said "No" to Gaston!! ............"no" to............ "ME!!!!"how could she say no when it's so obvious I'm the perfect guy for her??!!!!?

Hades......Hmmmmmm.......yeah........ya know......... this is starting to remind me a little of those two kids at my nephew's school, that Creepshow couple everyone avoids.............what's their names???......Ferret Face and Spooky?

Panic.....Icarus and Cassandra ???

Hades...That's It!!!! .......yeah.......same unhealthy deal.....Gaston..... look, I had a feeling you had some unfinished business, but Babe, here's not the place to finish it.........tellya what though, let's get off this page and change the subject. I thought you might enjoy meetting someone who'd really appreciate where you're coming from.....so I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. A protege, if you will. Well, there's nothing official on paper, mind you...let's just say I like the cut of his jib.

Gaston........{momentarily distracted from plotting} A guest who wants to meet me??

Hades........... You got it, Babe...all the way from ancient Greece by way of the Kingdom of Thrace, here he is, the officially unofficial school royalty of Prometheus Academy, and the original Bronzed Beach Boy himself , that Prince formerly known as.......... Adonis!!!!!!!!

{Audience erupts into yelling, cheering and footstomping.Several girls faint. Underwear is thrown on the stage}

Adonis {walks in waving his hands triumphantly over his head}.........I love you too!!! Kiss Kiss !!!!!!! yes, yes it's ME!! Your One and Only Prince Of Thrace!!!!

Hades........ Adonis!!!! sit your self down and meet the only other mortal in the world I can think of that's vainer than you......Gaston!!!!!

Gaston ...Hades!!! you say that like it's a bad thing!!!!!.......Adonis!!!! nice to meet you!! {the two shake each other's hands and then give each other a brotherly hug.}

Adonis......It's good to be here, Gaston, I've heard So much about you.

Gaston.....likewise, I'm sure.

Hades..........Good thing Narcissus is'nt here. I don't think I could stand it.

Adonis...Pity!! I always wanted to meet him......Where is he?

Hades........Oh....he's doing time as a potted plant at the moment down there in the Underworld. You can visit some day......bring him a nice bag of fertilizer.

Adonis........I'll do that....So...Gaston...........Don't you hate it when people talk about anything else but yourself????

Gaston.........You read my mind!

Adonis.......Yes...and they insist on bringing up all manner of subjects that have Nothing to do with you, whatsoever......like any of that mattered....as if there was something more important than YOU!

Gaston.........As IF!!!

Adonis........Why, the other day I was sitting there in the Disney commissary sporting the most gorgeous bronzed tan and you know, there was'nt a single mention about it at the table??? Can you believe it, Hades?? not one mention of this great tan???

Hades....What can I say??? it's a world gone mad.

Gaston.........NO!!....that's criminal........it's a lovely tan......and it really works for you.....I have the same problem you know. I have all these great physical attributes and most people just don't appreciate it the way they should...............uh..did I mention every last part of me is covered with hair???

Hades ....... you did, actually.

Adonis..........No!!! really???

Gaston rips open his shirt to the belly button to reveal his muscular, hairy torso. He is furrier than Robin Williams.

Adonis....Splendid!! magnificent!! and so curly, too!!! Must keep you warm in the winter!!

Gaston...Wait! There's lot's more!!! {Gaston starts to unbutton his pants.} Adonis holds up his hand.

Adonis.....That's OK, I'll take your word for it- but really, you're very nicely upholstered. That Belle is out of her mind.

Gaston.......Thanks....I eat a lot of protein.You know.... you have a pretty gorgeous mane yourself.....I just have to ask what you use to keep it so glossy.


Adonis..................Macedonion hummingbird oil. It's quite expensive, but worth it. {pulls small vial out of chiton pocket}


Hades......{examining bottle} Oy Vey!!!! How many hummingbirds did they have to stomp out for this??? {not that I'm against that, you understand}

Adonis....................About 50,000. We've wiped out several populations. But it's worth every bird. Just look at that shine!!!!!

Gaston...................Magnificent!!!

Adonis......................Allow me to give you a bottle.

Gaston.....You're too kind!!

Adonis......Hey.....it's only the best for Thracian royalty and I can see you're a man who appreciates the good things in life.....

Hades..... Ok, glad yer happy..........say is'nt this cosy??? I feel like I got a lump the size of Crete in my throat here.....Adonis Babe, what's your story???

Adonis........Well as you know I'm the Prince of Thrace...did I mention that???

{Hades and Gaston together}......... Yes, you did!!

Adonis.......Ah well, of course. Sorry..I forget I repeat myself sometimes.....generally I have my servants remind me...anyway...... As Prince of Thrace I was expected to finish a course in Spartan military training and to attend the most prestigious school in Greece...the well known "Prometheus Academy'... for very upper crusty people. Well.... mostly upper crusty.You had to have a few crumbs....

Hades.......Don't I know it!!!

Gaston.......Anyway, back to my story with Belle....

Adonis....and at Pro Ac I pretty much rule, being the Prince of Thrace and the Head of the Student Coucil, and the HomeComing King, and 11 time Nemmy Award winner....yada yada yada ...I reign with with an iron but merciful hand, you know, "noblesse oblige"....

Gaston......Excuse me ....excuse me.....not to butt in here but............ when did this show stop being about ME???

Adonis......Well, Hades was good enough to ask me on board, for a little chat.....a little.... variety... perk up the show a bit....you know, to be honest, there's just so much you can say when all you did was co-star in one movie....and get killed off into the bargain....

Gaston{recoiling, fists clenching}.......That's....pretty big talk coming from a TV toon.......

Adonis.....TV Toon??? TV Toon??? just...... what do you mean by that!!??

Gaston.......well, no offense, Adonis, but..... you can't possibly consider yourself in the same category as a feature animation star player...

Adonis.......I..... beg your pardon ???

Hades.........Hey.....don't look at me...I was Both!!!

Gaston ....well, everyone knows that being a TV toon is sort of ....a third rate gig, I mean, you're not going to compare yourself with someone who actually starred in the theaters......c'mon, we got an Oscar for God's sake!!!!{Gaston chuckles at the thought.}

Hades....ooohh......!! Low Blow!!!!

Adonis.............I'll have you know, Sir, that I was part of a brilliant ensemble cast.....featuring over 30 hours of animation, 170 movie, stage and TV stars, show stopping music....and I believe our good host here even won the Best Day Time Children's TV Emmy ??

Hades{blushing} Oy!!I don't like to brag....

Gaston ......but the quality is just never going to be there......you don't have that budget for TV, the lush backgrounds, the cutting edge CG effects, the 24 frames per second animation.............

Hades....HEY, Hey, watch it, Pal, ...you come over here *I'LL* show you 24 frames a second!

Adonis...........Well, Hades {aristocratic sigh of resignation} what do you expect when you invite a common French peasent villager person on your show?? you know.....One more crack like that, Gaston, and I'll have to teach you some manners.....{nods to servant bodyguards waiting in the wings.}You two!! get out here and teach him some manners!!!!

Hades{holds up hand}......That won't be nessessary. Gassie, I think you have a little spinach pate on the front of your tooth there.....or maybe it's a snail...... you want to clean that off????

Gaston{embarrassedly covering his mouth}.....Oh really?!!??

Hades......Yes...tellya what, there's a great mirror in the little demon's room down that corrider to the left...why don't we break for commercial and you can fix yourself up a bit???

Gaston.......Why did'nt you tell me sooner??!!??...{gets up to go to the little demon's room.} Hey... it's awfully dark over ....Have you a torch, Hades???

Hades.........Yes well, we forgot to pay the light bill this month....nah, you don't need a torch......Pain and panic will show you the way....that's right, Boys.......you .keep walking...just keep feeling your way along that wall.....watch out for the silverfish....

Gaston{working his way down the corridor}.........Over here??

Hades....yeah.........right over there.

Gaston.......Over here??

Hades......a little further............

Gaston...Over here??

Hades........Yes, over there...keep going, keep going......it's a big bronze door....... but watch out for brimstone lava pit....... that last step is a doozy....

Gaston .....Oh here it is!!...... AAARRRRRRHHGGGG!!!

Hades......Hey!!!! You found it!!!!! He Can be Taught!!!!! OH, dang!! There he goes!!!!!!

{A huge bubbling splash is heard as Gaston's echoing screams are muffled by clouds of boiling steam......

Adonis....{looking startled} nice move, Hades.

Hades.....Well...... I don't like anyone dissing my gang. They may be mortals, they may be idiots, but No One dissess our gang.......... Except Me!!

Adonis...That's loyalty!!!...but Hades....wont anybody miss him???

Hades.......Not til they greenlight Beauty and the Beast Part V....The Return of Gaston........we're safe.... {for awhile.}....Anyway........{turning to camera}........Well, folks......deception.......trickery......revenge....my work here is done!!!....I guess we won't be hearing too much from Gaston in the near future, ....he uh....seems to have left us in a hurry.....looks like he had a HOT DATE!!!!!! Ha!!!!. get it???? HOT DATE??? ah neva mind...........I hope you enjoyed the show people, and don't forget to tune in next week when we get in the Groove with Yzma, Kuzco, Kronk, Pacha and the whole Central South American gang from Disney's 38th animated classic!!!!! Remember, we're giving out a free taranchula to our first 200 guests, so come early, they're not gonna last!!!!!!!

Cue the Fadeout theme Music.....

{Backstage, staring down at the lava pit.......}

Herc......." I thought he said every last part of his body was covered with hair......"

Icarus....... "Not any more it is'nt!!!!!"

all imagery copyright Walt Disney Company and used withought their written consent


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