Back Stage at the Hades Show........

{Pain and Panic tremulously approach their Master in his Office}

.

Pain.....Sir???..... we're having a little ....difficulty......

Hades{ignores Pain 'cause he's on the phone}.....OY!!!...........ya know...the Damned are such whiners!!!! You'd think they'd get the whole point of being here by now......

Panic...... if..................... we could just have a moment of your ...time....??

Hades{shrugging him off}............. Not now, I'm on the horn with the suppliers....{into the phone}This morning, I said!!! "Right Now, I said!!!!!....I need it Today!!!"

Pain .....please Sir, this is really important!!!.....

Hades{turning to to Pain for a moment} Did you remember to put the mercury in the lobster salad?!!!??

Pain...Yes we did, Hades, but that's not the problem, we really gotta talk to ya!!!!

Hades{back into the phone}.....What do you mean you can't figure out the order??? What part of "Shipment of Dung" don't you understand !!??!!?

Panic.....HADES!!!! it's a real emergency!! it has to do with the show!!!!

Hades{hanging up the phone in rage}...THIS better Be Good!!!!.........OK........what the ^%$*&^%$# is Wrong?!!!?

Pain...Well, something incredibly... bad and disgusting has happened...................

Hades....What.......Ceberous take a dump in the orchestra pit again?!!

Pain........No no....just a little.....uh.....slightly worse..........it seems......uh......it seems .......we mixed up our guests in the waiting rooms.....

Hades........What!?????

Panic{twisting his tail}......Well.....it was kinda chaotic this morning........ and..and everyone arrived at once and the harpies got loose..............

Hades......Spill it!!!!

Pain.......Well.... remember... you'd booked the Spartan Army Men's Choir and King Midas for this afternoon and Orthos and the Gorgon for tonight??

Hades.....Keep going.......

Pain.....Well...uhhhh.... it seems there was a TEENSY waiting room mixup ...and we put.... Orthos in with the.... Spartan Army Men's Choir........

Panic.....the .....uh........."EX"- Spartan.......Army......Men's....... Choir....

Hades.....Whooa!!! hold on....Let me get this straight....you geniouses.... put a carnivorous ....Maneating minion in with two hundred Bite-Sized Mortals???!!!???

Panic.....Yes, er....and .........well........King Midas kinda bumped into the Gorgon in Room II...........

Hades......And Let me guess.........King Midas is now a rock solid citizen while Medusa has a heart of 24 carat gold ....to match the rest of Her?!!!??!!!!!

Pain{cringing in terror}...............................Yes sir...but...but..... on the plus side.....you won't have to feed Orthos for 2 years!!!!!

Hades..................AAARRRHHHGHH!!!!!! This is worse than the time you locked the Vestal Virgins from Rome up with Dionysious on his 300 Year Birthday Bash Special !! Oy... did that cost me!!!!!!

Panic{groveling in the slime}...................................Sir..... we're sooooooo sorry!!!!!

Hades..........OH, you have'nt begun to be sorry...YET.......but... I can't maim you now--- I need whatever crummy help I can get no matter how LOUSY....Just ..consider yourself threatened........hmmmmmm.... we'll just have to run a pre-taped show...that's all...........What do we have that has'nt been seen yet??

Panic .........Hold on, Sir, I'll check my list ..... OK....we have Ultimate Hot Babes of The Ancient World....that's the one with Messalina grape wrestling Circe in the winevat.............and then you got the Three Graces to go topless......

Hades....Oh yeah .....I remember.........hold that one for Sweeps Week.......

Pain ....um ....there's the Stupid Pet Tricks.....

Hades ....Oh that's when Cerberous took the dump in the orchestra pit......did we ever get anyone to clean that up??? When's Adam Sandler coming down????

Panic.....Oh here, Sir, I think I've got just the thing...........Women Who Boast and the Goddessess Who Hate Them...... Guest Stars Athena and Arachne, Leto and Niobe, Aphrodite and Psyche.....

Hades....OK...ok here's what ya do.........run the spider broad tape.....and then go clean up waiting room number I.....it's a Mess in there.......I'm gonna be in my office- thanks to you morons we're gonna have 200 semi-digested Spartans coming in the next twenty minutes..............Oy!!! that's a lot of paper work.....

 

Pain and Panic hurry off to run the tape.......

 

 

Badda Bing Badda Boom!!!!!

And Welcome to the Hades Show!!!!!! Tonight's guest was a gorgeous mortal with a big talent, a bigger ego and a mouth to match. She has the serious distinction of having ticked off one of the touchiest goddesses in the Cosmos so now she and her descendents must spend Eternity as one of the lowliest creatures on Earth...... {and I don't mean a Speedy Pita service worker}.....We're just thrilled that she's here with us today to share her side of the story .......so please won't you give a warm, fuzzy 8 legged welcome to the gal who coined the words "Looming Disaster"....that Sassy little spinmeister....... our Favorite web designer ...and the Original .....Itsy-Bitsy-Spider Herself.......A-RACHNE!!!!!!!

APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Pain walks in with a tiny pillow on which sits a very self satisfied spider.....he places it on Hade's desk..

Hades.....Welcome, Babe......how about a kiss?........{smooocch!!!!} whoah!!! you call that a kiss???

Arachne{grinning}.......well..... we could mate.........but then I'd have to kill you!

 

Hades....HA!!!!.Badda bing!! that gets funnier every time I hear it!!!!!!Sit down, sit down......pull yerself up a tuffet......Can I offer you a fly??

Arachne...Oh, don't mind if I do....... mmmmmm............{slurp}..... juicy!!!

Hades.... So how have you been, Babe? How's it hanging? {If you'll pardon the pun!}

Arachne....Oh good, good........as you know, I've gotten into freelance webdesign.........I have a part time gig guarding the Tapestry of Fate.....and every 2 weeks I lay a million eggs. I keep busy.

Hades... Beautiful, Babe.......beautiful.........Ok, well..........enough with the chit-chat.....I think what we're all waiting for here is to get to the bottom of your fascinating little story....and of course I think you know there's someone special waiting backstage we'd like you to meet.......you know Pallas Athena????

Arachne.....We've met.....

Hades.....All right then!!!!!..let's not waste any time!!!!..Ladies, Gentlemen {and... .....whatever else is..... out there} .........Straight from the Parthanon situated atop the Acropolis in Beautiful Downtown Athens...I give you that scintillating Goddess of Wisdom and War.........A-THENA!!!!!!

 

More Applause!!!!!!The goddess Athena parts the curtains and strides into the studio.

 

Hades.... Athena, BABE!!... LOVE the owl........Yer lookin'completely-

Athena.... DON'T TOUCH ME.

Hades...OK, ok, ok...gotcha.....

Athena....and hands off my Strigiform pet!!

Hades....Beg your pardon??!!

Athena .... The Owl!!!don't touch my owl, you Moron!!

Hades.... Ah!! okay, right.....Right, ok, ok, hands off the owl.........anyway.... back to business here.You guys..... had a...certain bet, am I right??

Arachne....Yes.

Hades....Athena, Babe.... let's get down to bronze tacks. You turned her into a spider... .Ya think you went a little overboard ? Why?

Athena....She said she could weave tapestries better than I could.

Hades...Oh well, she was asking for it.....

Athena....Oh don't be cute, Hades!!! You know as well as I do all mortals need a slap on the wrist once in awhile!

Arachne{looking down at herself}...You call this a slap on the wrist???!!???

Hades..Hold on-hold on.......just back up the chariot a moment....let's make sure our studio audience is on the same page.......OK .....Spider Girl here boasted that she was the best weaver in all of Greece- in all the known ancient world- better than you even....is that right???

Arachne....it was true!!!!It was true!!!!!

Athena.....This deluded mortal told everyone she met that she could outweave me herself!!!!!Even after her own family told her to stop bragging she kept up at it ....... I even turned myself into an old beggar woman to warn her that idle boasting would be her undoing!!!!

Hades.. Oh yeah.........the old turning -into- a -beggar -woman- to- warn- the- mortal-bit......ya know........that almost never works?????

Arachne{to Athena}That was You??? ....uh oh.........

Athena.....and she Still went about flaunting her skills and so-called talent- as if *I* had Nothing to do with it!!!!! So we had the contest to put her in her place!!!!!!And not only did she have the unmitigated cojones to take me on.... she had the bloody gall to create a tapestry depicting the gods of Olympus as a bunch of drunken, debauched, perverted ambrosia-crazed evil murdering troublemakers.......

Hades.....uh huh.........yer point being???????

Athena....well LOOK at it for yourself!!!!!! I have it right here with me today to show you!!!!It's Insulting!!!!!!!!

Hades..ooohhh!!!.... Visual Aids!!! OK, ok...let Unca Hades take a peek-- this is it?? All right ...let's see..........How insulting can it be...........???

 

Athena unravels the offending masterpiece and hands it to Hades........

 

Hades...........Hmmm.... ok.........this is pretty insulting..............ok......uh huh....I see what you mean...whoaaa there's lots of attention to detail here....... some very zippy scenery .........everyone's...drunk....yeaH.. that's S.O.P................Baccus is blowing chunks......Zeus is here with Hera...oh... and Leda............And Callista.....and Io......oh and Ganymede's in on the fun....{Hey....Why was'nt *I* invited???} ....Hmmm..... what's that sticking out of Ares???? oh....ok.......it's Hermes........Aphrodite's lookin' good........hey you included her mole!! hmmm....I did'nt know she could bend that far backwards......{nimble li'l minx!!}..........the midgets are a nice touch.............Hey!! who is Apollo spanking?? Do I know her???

Athena{to Arachne}You are Disgusting!!!!!!

Arachne ....I'm an Artiste!!! I weave what I know!!!!!

Athena..... Then KNOW this!!!!You're a vain, idiotic, boastful, foolish child and you're paying dearly for your insult to our family! And will continue to do so for All Eternity .....Is'nt that RIGHT, Hades????.........Hades???? Hades????

Hades ....Huh?? I'm still looking at the tapestry......

Athena.... Will you put that thing Down!??!!

Arachne.... OK.....ok ...I went over the line there..... let's chalk it up to a bad hair day- but I Hung myself in apology..... does that, like, count for Anything?????

Athena...Of course it does, you Twit!!! That's why I went easy on you!!!!

Hades.... Yer all heart, Babe!!!!!

Arachne...She calls this going easy??!??!!

Athena...I certainly do!!! I was going to turn you into a centipede...but a spider was more fitting...that way you can spend forever practicing to get as good as I!!!

Aracne....I'm already every bit as good as you!!!!!I'm an artistic genious.......

Hades{leaning his chin in his hand}....Babe....yer a Spider......

Arachne....Hey! I don't care!!!!!! I can still outweave her with 7 legs tied behind my back!!!!

Hades ............wow.... you don't know when yer licked, do you?

Arachne...You don't believe I can whup her again????

Athena{laughing contemptuosly}....You've got to be kidding me......one more word and I'll kick your hairy little spider butt all the way the back to Lydia!!!!

Arachne{pulling herself up to a full three inches} You wanna piece of me???

 

Athena.................You .....Would'nt...... Dare!!!!!

Arachne.........Just ......TRY ME!!!!!!!!!

Athena...........oh yeah ??? you want to put your money where your mouth is??? Wherever that is???

Arachne......Any time, God -Girl...... anytime!!!!!

Athena.....why... you .....obnoxious little bloodsucker!!!

Arachne......you....... virginal geek!!!

Athena........insignificant invertebrate!!!!

Arachne.....sore LOSER!!!

Athena....VERMIN!!!

Aracne.....FOUR EYES!!!

Athena....."EIGHT" EYES!!!!!

Hades...Baddabing!!!! it's gettin' GOOD!!!!!....................Whoa hey- why don't you have a rematch ???.............................right here on the show???

Athena.... You got it!!!!!

Hades.... but, uh.... first I think we need to level the playing field.....maybe you should turn her back human just for the nonce........

Athena....hhmmph...!!!!!!!!oh... all right.......just this one nonce..........

Athena carelessly blasts a large orb of flame at the little spider...and POOFF!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hades does a doubletake........

Hades.....AAAYYYYYY Chi-Wuaua!!! now that's what I call one.... Merry.... Black.... Widow!!!!!!...OH BABY!!! Step into my PARLOUR!!!!!!!......You can exterminate ME anytime!!!....my Spidey Senses are TINGLING!!!!!!!!

Arachne {purring}...... why Thankyou Hades....you're so sweet.......

Athena.......oh for GOOD Zeuse's Sake!!!.....Control yourself Hades...can we get back down to business here????.

Hades.... Keep your helmet on, Athena.....I'm just getting to know Spider Girl....my li'l Spidergirl....my Friendly Neighborhood Spidergirl!!!.....{Turning to Arachne}.......So Babe, how are you at weaving webs of deceit???

Athena ....oh...please....... like she's never heard That one before!!!!!can we JUST get back to the contest ?????

Hades .....What contest???

Athena....... Hades!!!

Hades....why don't you go feed your owl? He looks hungry.

Athena...The Contest??? for deciding who's the best weaver in Greece??!!??

Hades.....Oh.... Oh.... the rug thing, yeah.... well.. tell ya what, ' Theney...

Hades poofs a huge solid gold trophy out of the air and tosses it to the indignant goddess.

 

Hades.........................Here Ya go!!!First Prize-You -Win-Congratulations-Best -In -Show-O Happy Day- Goody-Goody-for-You-Top-of-the World-Call-Yer-Mom-Yada-Yada-Yada- See -Y'around!!!!End of Story!!!

Athena...We did'nt even Weave anything yet!!!!!!

Arachne...Yeah!!!

Hades.... well, true...true....I know -but I was thinkin' I'll take yer word for it!! You ARE the Goddess of Wisdom, n'est pas?????{ turns to Arachne } NICE spinnerets!!!!!

Athena.... Huh... what?!!...OK, you dont have to be the Goddess of Wisdom to know where this is going!!!!!..Honestly....Hades.... you're twice as bad as Priapus with half the equipment!!!!!!! that's it...I'm leaving .......you two deserve each Other!!!!!

The Goddesss Poofs out in a huff!!

Hades... Good riddance!! now maybe we can divert our attention to more important matters....

Arachne...Waitta minute!!!!You just handed her First Place!!!! where does that leave me????

Hades....Winner of the Consolation Prize, Babe...and I'm the Consolation............it's "Web Slinging" time, you lucky bug!!!!!!!...

Arachne... OHHH!!........... you ....big ....Conceited ...JERK!!!!

Hades....Tell me ........Is it true your people have red hour glassess tattooed on yer butts??? heh heh.......Care to show me that in private??

Arachne....Oh my gods!! that's IT!!! I'm SO OUTTA HERE!!!!!!

Arachne explodes in a huge insulted furious blast and disappears.......

..................maybe you should'nt have mentioned her butt?????


 

...and meanwhile, sitting in the front row.......

....can we finally go home now????????

 

Disney characters copyright Walt Disney Corporation....human Arachne courtesy of Ammie .......art work and inking by TraceyPierce

 

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